There comes a point in every woman’s life when the question of babies starts to rear its sweet-smelling, downy head. No, I’m not talking about those relationship-changing moments when you sit down with your partner and have an often nerve-wracking conversation about whether you want to have children or not. I’m talking about all those other times when the question of babies comes up. For when you’re a woman of child bearing age, it comes up regularly. And often when you least expect it.
In the supermarket, on the train, at your slimming club. From friends, from family, and, often the most disturbing of all, from complete strangers.
This can make certain situations feel a little bit tricky. Take, for example, a recent outing to the pub with my WI friends. I’d not been feeling too well with a migraine all day, but I really wanted to go out and see them. The WI doesn’t meet in August, and I hadn’t managed to get to the July meeting, so it would have been three months between seeing them had I waited until the September. But this begged the question of, what should I drink?
A simple question for many, but when you’re a woman of childbearing age? Not so much. Why? Well, if I was to drink anything alcoholic, I’d be likely to make the migraine worse. But if I gave in to what I really wanted to do and just order a lime and soda water? Then everyone would start to question whether I was pregnant.
No. When you are a woman of child bearing age, things are not simple. Take for example the fact that I recently liked an article that my friend Abi of Something About Baby had written for pregnancy magazine Emma’s Diary. All very well and good: I’d liked it because she is my friend and I wanted to support her (and well, you know, help her beat those pesky Facebook algorithms). But then you start getting people asking you, “is there something you need to tell us? Are you going to be reading Emma’s Diary again yourself soon?” Actually, I’d quite like to have another autumnal day sat tucked up cosy on the sofa in my sweats reading Emma’s Diary, like I did one time when I was newly pregnant, but more for the fact that I’d like to be tucked up on the sofa, warm and cosy, reading something, than for the fact of being pregnant again! I actually worried about the comments from this simple Facebook action so much that I messaged Abi to tell her that in future, she was to share the articles on her own Facebook page so that I could like them there instead!
Of course, if you are actually pregnant, this also poses its own challenges. If you normally like a drink or a cup of coffee and then you stop drinking either, the questions start again. I have a certain set of drinking buddies close friends who noticed I wasn’t drinking when I was newly pregnant but hadn’t yet announced it. And when I did finally announce my news, they said that they’d known all along but hadn’t wanted to say as we’d had quite a difficult journey towards parenthood thus far. This was obviously great for us, but sometimes your friends do call you out on not drinking, and many people don’t want to announce their pregnancy until 12 weeks. We actually decided that if people asked us outright before our 12 week scan, we’d tell them, but this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and it should be respected. But when you’re a woman of child bearing age, it often isn’t.
Bump!
I’ve heard stories of friends of child bearing age being asked if they want to lose their baby weight, for example, when they haven’t even had a baby. Not only is this completely embarrassing for the woman in question, but it’s also really quite upsetting if you’d love a child but can’t have one.
I remember, when we desperately wanted a baby more than anything, being asked by someone at a children’s birthday party when we were going to start a family of our own, because, and I quote, “I wasn’t getting any younger” (I was 30 at the time). I brushed it off as “oh we need to finish our house renovations first,” but inside I was incredibly hurt by the comment. The person that made it didn’t know we’d been trying for a baby for the past 18 months at that point. And in this instance, it wasn’t just the woman of childbearing age that had a problem with the comment; I’d never seen Mr Lighty get as drunk as he did at the 30th birthday party that followed that night, reeling from the casual remark.
So although I’m being a little flippant, because let’s face it, in many, many ways, being a woman of childbearing age is a wonderful thing (just look at all of the beautiful babies many of us have produced, not to mention the careers we’ve created, friendships we’ve forged and the overall fabulousness of being who we all are!), I guess the point is, if your friend isn’t mentioning baby plans, don’t call her out on it unless she wants to talk. Or if she isn’t drinking alcohol for whatever reason, don’t question it. She might well be pregnant but not ready to admit it to the world; or she might just be harbouring a migraine. She may want a whole brood, or she may want none. Or you may need to remember the sensitive issue of those people that can’t have children for whatever reason.
Or it may just be that she had one too many glasses of prosecco the night before, and hair of the dog is not on the menu! Either way, go easy on her; she, is, after all, not just a woman of childbearing age, but she’s also simply a fantastic, fabulous, phenomenal woman.
Three fabulous women of childbearing age! I *may* have written this post after sharing a bottle of Prosecco with these lovelies…oops!!
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I am 34, the Hubster and I have been together for 15 years – people constantly ask when we’ll have babies. And when I answer never, it gets awkward in a hurry! #DreamTeam
Yup. Feeling you on that one Heather! I get the same awkward conversations when I say we’re sticking at one! #DreamTeam
Yes I totally agree with you here. I was being asked about when the babies were coming along for years before we had our two. As soon as I had popped out my first, people were asking when I would be having a second! #dreamteam
I know, it’s like “let me recover from and get to learn how to look after this one first!”!! #DreamTeam
Haha! Yes there have been many times when out when I’ve just fancied staying off the booze but feel I’ll be scrutinised as to whether I’m pregnant or not! X
#dreamteam
Yep!! It’s daft isn’t it, as we shouldn’t have to answer to anyone or worry about what others think, but I certainly do!! #DreamTeam
I work at a school and at the leavers ceremony this summer, I started to cry. It was just really emotional celebrating these young men and women and sending them off into the world. A couple of the girls caught me bawling and became convinced I was pregnant because apparently you can only experience human emotion when with child 🙂 #DreamTeam
Haha!! That’s another problem!! My go to emotion is to cry so I can totally appreciate this! Sounds like you’ve got lovely young people starting out in the world though 🙂 #DreamTeam
I think some people just stay stuff just because it is meant to be the thing to do not taking to factor that maybe someone doesn’t want you to ask that X #dreamteam
Yep totally agree! Thanks for stopping by! #DreamTeam
I was only having this conversation with my husband yesterday. People insist on asking us when we are having another and it really annoys me. What if we can’t? What if we don’t want another? Who’s business is it anyway? People can be so opinionated when it doesn’t concern them. I am so with you. Unless we bring it up. It shouldn’t be mentioned. #dreamteam
Yes, totally agree with you! Thanks for stopping by! #DreamTeam
I So agree with you. I was battling to fall pregnant and all the asking and comments was really hurtful. #dreamteam
Yes same here. It really doesn’t help matters, does it? #DreamTeam
And then comes the after baby pouch and people ask you if you are pregnant, as you are not a size 0 within minutes after giving birth… this was a nice read. #dreamteam
Yes! I still have the after baby pouch 2.5 years on! Awkward to say the least!! #DreamTeam
Luckily I’m getting past being a woman of child bearing age now I’ve hit my 40’s (not that you can’t have babies in your 40’s, of course you can) and my youngest of three is now 6 so people tend not to ask or presume anything anymore. Used to though! #DreamTeam
Ah I’m glad you’ve stopped being asked! #DreamTeam
I agree. I also don’t think we should presume somebody wants children. #DreamTeam
It’s very annoying! I had my daughter when I was 30 so was used to getting asked a lot by that point. #DreamTeam
This seems to have become accepted in society and used to drive me insane. My sister once asked me and my husband-to-be (at the time) when we were going to have kids. It took all my self control not to reply with when we are ready and in a position to support one financially ourselves and not through benefits like you!
I’m glad you wrote this post, people need to know that it’s not cool. #DreamTeam
#dreamteam thinking about it, its a blooming personal question to ask. i often want to reply with ‘stop worrying about what my vagina is doing/ not doing’ but obis don’t…maybe ill try it? 🙂
•obvs no idea what obis is…ta predicted text 🙁
The pressures that society puts on women when they reach a certain age to have kids – is unbelievable. My eldest daughter was barely 4 months old, when people started asking so when is the second one coming. And now that I have daughters and in my early forties – the question is still being posed when are we making a boy. I just pretend not to hear those questions and don’t answer.#dreamteam
It’s crazy how so much social stigma can be attatched to every little decision. Yikes. #DreamTeam
Yes that’s exactly it! What a good way to sum it up, thank you. Thanks for stopping by! #DreamTeam
I was 36 when we had my daughter. The previous decade was people asking me when I was going to settle down and have kids. It happens to men too! #dreamteam
Oh yes I’m sure it does! Well I know it does, because Mr Lighty definitely felt the pressure. I just needed a convenient name for the blog title, haha!! Thanks for stopping by! #DreamTeam
We have friends who struggled to conceive and it’s taught me to never pry any more. If they want to talk about it, they will. Our boy was only one last month and two people have already asked me when number two will be coming along. I smiled politely while imagining all the things I wish I could say.
#dreamteam
Ha, I’m just at a point of outright saying them, haha!! Yes we struggled to conceive too. It’s really hard when people ask questions. I’m sure your friends appreciate your support though. #DreamTeam
My folks are getting the questions about a second child and have been for years…! Just one of those things. It took them 4 years to have me! #DreamTeam
Ah well whether you have a baby brother or sister or not, it’ll be the right decision for your Mummy and Daddy I’m sure! Thanks for stopping by! #DreamTeam
Oh so true! Why are people ask such personal questions has always baffled me. Weird that it’s so culturally accepted too. And yet if there have been troubles and it’s a sensitive topic for you, you’re the one who always feels silly and embarrassed getting upset. Well said xxx
Yes that’s so true! It’s always the person that’s having the troubles that feels upset by it all! Thanks for stopping by! #DreamTeam
I never understand why people feel they have a right to ask when you have having another child? If you are trying etc? You wouldn’t go up to anyone else as say ‘are you having sex at set times of the month?’ So why do it to women of a certain age?
Haha this is so true! Thanks for stopping by! #DreamTeam
This has been the bane of my life for so long. I got all defensive and went down the “don’t want em” route even when it was more of a “I have no clue”. Now I’ve concentrated on me and my relationship with my husband and guess what… 17weeks pregnant and counting. Also complete bricking it! People should NOT ask ladies of any age. I’ve been quizzed since 16!! Not fair. #dreamteam
Yes it’s such a personal question isn’t it? Thanks so much for stopping by! #DreamTeam
Recently I’ve had a few people ask me if we’re planning a third, and when I tell them that no, we are definitely NOT planning a third they have the cheek to smirk at me “hmm, we’ll see..” #dreamteam
Oh my, a third…I can’t even contemplate a second!! Thanks so much for stopping by! #DreamTeam
It’s a real problem. I identify most as a mum but there is really so much more to me than that. We have 3 children and everyone asks if we are having another… #dreamteam
Oh wow a fourth! I can’t contemplate a second to be honest!! Thanks so much for stopping by! #DreamTeam
Our first is 20 months now and my wife just doesn’t drink, so a lot if the people we have dinners with who don’t know her we’ll start asking these same questions. Not really polite I think. #dreamteam
No not polite. I know Dads get questioned too, which is also not good. Thanks for stopping by! #DreamTeam
I love this post – it is so true! My friend had to have awkward conversations at work when her and hubby had been trying for years and people just kept asking. And I had to pretend to but my pregnant friend alcoholic drinks on a hen do when she didn’t want anyone else to know yet! Thanks for letting me use the link for my post too 🙂 #DreamTeam
Not a problem at all, thanks for sharing it! It’s all very awkward isn’t it? Hope your friend at work was ok. Thanks for stopping by. #DreamTeam
It annoys me that other people think they can dictate when or not you have children. #DreamTeam
Yes! Or at least ask about it! Thanks for stopping by! #DreamTeam
People don’t ask me any more and that bothers me even more because they clearly thing I’m too old (sob sob sob!!) #dreamteam
Oh no! I’m sure that’s not true! Perhaps you just give off the ‘no more children for me’ vibe?! #DreamTeam
This is a fab post. I try to be really mindful of not asking this question to people as you never know if they’ve had struggles to conceive or it might not be the right time for them. All sorts of reasons. #DreamTeam
Same here. I do slip up sometimes though I must admit. Think I must have been having a particularly questioned week when I wrote this though, haha!! #DreamTeam
Oh my god yes, it is impossible to not drink alcohol on a night out without pregnancy suspicions starting to run wild! I don’t think lots of people just speak without thinking though a lot of the time. Love that you wrote this after a girlie night on the prosecco!xx #dreamteam
I know, Prosecco fuelled blogging is apparently the way to go, haha!! Thanks for stopping by! #DreamTeam
Yes this is very true! I was even drinking one small glass of prosecco at a wedding recently as I had a 3 hour drive home that evening and a friend started saying, ‘I bet she’s pregnant’. And I can tell my family is watching me like a hawk and waiting for the announcement of another. It’s ridiculous and intrusive being ‘expected’ to pop out babies – I’ve even found myself trying to ‘act’ not pregnant when I’m actually not pregnant… how confusing is that!? #dreamteam
Yes!! I do this too! I hate that I still have a very rounded tummy as I often find myself getting the suspicious looks from people! Think I need a badge that says “baby not on board”, haha!! #DreamTeam
this happens me often, except it’s “well you have one of each so you don’t need any more”! how about mind your own business? I will have as many babies as I like! Why do people feel the need to comment on a woman’s fertility. It is absolutely insane. It doesn’t happen to men! #dreamteam
Yes exactly that! It works both ways, doesn’t it?! #DreamTeam
I wonder when it will end. I’ve popped out two and still get asked all the time if we’ll have more! #DreamTeam
Nicola (and all women of childbearing age), I’m here to tell you, there will *always* be nosy people asking you about *some*thing! 😀 When you get to be up in your 40s and those baby questions stop, people will be asking you about plenty of other things you don’t want to talk about! It’s always something.
And then you have them, and they ask, are you having more? Ugh… Men get none of this. #dreamteam xoxo