When you’re trying for a baby, and it’s just not happening, it’s only natural to feel every other pregnancy announcement with a twinge of resentment. Jealousy, bitterness, sadness; call it what you will. At least if you’re being honest, that is. It’s natural, you’re only human, after all. You’re happy for the mum and dad-to-be, of course you are, but there’s also that little twinge of “when will it be our turn?”
So when you do finally have a baby of your own, it’s lovely to be able to enjoy other people’s pregnancy announcements. At least, that’s what I thought. But recently I’ve been feeling some of those twinges of resentment creep back in. Although there’s a good chance that we’ll probably stick with the one baby for a variety of reasons – and I’m totally fine with that – I’ve found myself a little jealous of my friends who are pregnant of late.
It’s not that I particularly want another baby. As I say, we’ll probably be sticking at one, and I’m ok with that. I really am. Nor do I particularly want to be pregnant. I’ll admit I do miss my bump and those little baby movements from deep inside, but looking back I had a fairly rough pregnancy, so I’m not looking to do it all again with a toddler in tow. But I am jealous of all of the emotion that normally comes with being newly pregnant.
When I posted this photo of Mrs Lighty as a new Mummy on Facebook, the comments received were along the lines of “you’re a natural!”. Those sunglasses his a multitude of sins.
And then the baby comes.
For many new mums, I know that it’s a really joyous time, and again is filled with the magic and wonder of getting to know this new little person. But for me, it was filled with a feeling of being overwhelmed, of failing to breastfeed, of having to force myself out of the house when feeling like a nervous wreck. I know I’m not alone in feeling like this, or feeling part of this, and this isn’t a woe is me cry. This was just how I felt.
And now, how I am finding myself feeling when friends tell me they are pregnant, is, well, jealous.
I’m jealous that you’ll get to do all of this, and hopefully embrace it and enjoy it.
I’m jealous that you’re pregnant and getting to experience all of the joy that comes with pregnancy, before the reality hits.
I’m jealous that you’ll be having this new little person to love and get to know and not muck it up.
I’m jealous that I often feel like I have mucked it all up.
I’m jealous that I have wished time away, and not cherished all of the little, small moments.
And I’m jealous that I didn’t recognise all of this sooner, and ask for help.
I think when I wrote, as a new mum, about other new mums seemingly taking to motherhood like a duck to water, I probably did recognise that I was feeling a little bit like this. Feeling that I wasn’t good enough, that I must try harder. I also remember having a conversation with one of my lovely NCT friends about whether I loved Baby Lighty enough. I have come a long way, of that I’m sure. I now know that there is no one right or wrong way to parent. I can also tell you that I love Baby Lighty like my life depends on it; that actually, it was never about not loving him enough, but about not being kind enough to myself.
All of this comes with time, of course. And I guess this is why these feelings of jealousy are only just surfacing now. Because our feelings are valid at any point.
So forgive me, dear friends. I’m so, so incredibly happy for you. I will love your babies like the honorary Auntie you’ll hopefully let me be. I’ll cuddle and kiss and rock them, play with them and watch them play with mine, and then give them back to their doting parents at the end of it.
But forgive me if I’m feeling a little jealous of the fact that you’re pregnant. Forgive me for wishing I had my time over.
Because you’re about to embark on the most exciting, terrifying, funny and rewarding stage of your life!
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Really enjoyed reading this as a lot of what you’ve said rings true to me too. I’ve found it hard to find mums who’ve had similar experiences to me. Everyone I know seemed to love motherhood and take to it so well. Pregnancy for me was the easy bit. It was the shock of having a newborn who cried and fed constantly coupled with finding breast feeding very difficult that sunk my ship. I struggled to cope with loosing control over my life and having to devote everything I had to this small being. To write this now I worry it makes me sound like a monster. I must assure you that my adore my little chap now but it took many months to get to that stage. I struggling with feeling of jealousy towards other pregnancies. Not that I crave another child but I would like a ‘do-over’ so I could do it all again better with the knowledge and experience I have gained.
Thanks to writing such an honest account.
Yes! That’s exactly how I feel! And you are not a monster (or at least, we’re in this together I guess!). Exactly the same here, being pregnant was the easy part. I also struggled to breastfeed, and I have beaten myself up about every aspect of motherhood. I try to be honest wherever possible though so that others know that we’re not alone as mothers. Hope you’re feeling better about motherhood now xxx
I’m a terrible sucker for bump envy – I don’t know what it is as I definitely (?) don’t want more babies, but that feeling of nervous anticipation of who you are about to meet is just like nothing else. I think it’s a little addictive, like getting a tattoo! But, I don’t want to be the tattooed woman, nor the old woman who lived in a shoe, so I guess I’ll always feel envious of fresh tattoos and pregnant women!
Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely
Haha that’s a very amusing way to look at it all, and I think I feel the same as you!! #coolmumclub
This is me all over, I can literally relate to it all. I have one daughter, she’s twelve and lord knows where all those years went. Getting pregnant isn’t a strong point of mine and I’ve only managed to produce one. I get those jealous twinges too, constantly, but that said, I’m now at the point where I’m struggling to come to terms with her growing up, not needing me like she did, not asking me to play games with her anymore and generally wanting the toddler years back. I have regular meltdowns where I can’t even bear to look at old photos of her as a baby without dissolving into a pool of tears. I don’t think I could put myself through it again – even if I could! I love to watch her grow into a young lady albeit painful. I look back and wish I’d done more, spent more time playing – the list goes on. Who said being a parent was easy!!
Loved the post.
Samantha x
http://thebeautyspyglass.com
Ah thank you so much. Being a parent definitely isn’t easy, is it?! For me it’s about not having enjoyed it all I guess. I wish I’d done things better. But then that’s just me all over! Thanks so much for stopping by! 🙂
I tried for my youngest for 8 months and it was heart breaking watching all the people around me announce. I felt like it it was such a rub in the face. I also felt like such a cow. I should have been happy for them.
Oh no, you are only human. Don’t be so hard on yourself!
Really awesome post and I’m sure many mothers feel the exact same way! #DreamTeam
Thank you lovely xxx #DreamTeam
Oh mumma, my heart aches for you. You’re human, all your thoughts and feeling are not malicious, simply desire. Stay strong sweetie!! #dreamteam
Thank you so much xxx #DreamTeam
Such a lovely post and so relatable. I love how honest you are. I wish I had read more posts like this when I was struggling in the beginning. That’s why I try to be so honest about my struggles now. Motherhood is the best job in the world but it’s the hardest too. And us mums are our own worst enemies because we’re constantly being hard on ourselves! #dreamteam
Thank you, I do always try to be honest where possible. #DreamTeam
I totally understand this feeling. As difficult as pregnancy and early motherhood were for me, I still miss how all-consuming and precious those newborn months were. It’s really a special time, even though it can be an incredibly hard adjustment – and very tiring! #dreamteam
I miss a lot about it now and wish I could do it all over again. Hence this post, I suppose! #DreamTeam
This is such an honest post. I think, if we’re honest, we all have that feeling that we’re failing and just not quite good enough… and yet for some reason, we think that all the other mums are nailing it, and then that makes us feel even worse. I’m sorry to hear that you had such a rough start to parenthood, but life begins again every day so embrace the now & try not to live with regrets. #dreamteam
Yes that is so true, we always think that it’s only us struggling but I bet you’re right. #DreamTeam
You already know how much I love this post -you’ve articulated your point so beautifully and in a way that so many women will identify with xx #dreamteam
Thank you so much lovely xxx #DreamTeam
I can really relate to this, although I had terrible morning sickness with both my kids it is a really exciting time having that feeling of anticipation. I have two and we’re happy with that number for now. I do feel envious of people who have it all to look forward to x #dreamteam
Yes it’s the looking forward to it all in particular that I miss! #DreamTeam
I totally and utterly get this. This spoke to me big time. #dreamteam
Ah thank you. I’m glad I’m not alone in feeling like this. #DreamTeam
Oh Nic bless you. As I started reading this I couldn’t understand the jealousy confession alongside the admission you’re happy with one child and don’t want to be pregnant again. I thought ‘huh?’. But then the second half made the whole thing make sense. We’re such complicated creatures aren’t we?! I get it. After rough first trimesters (and I mean hideously rough) with all 3 of mine, I thoroughly enjoyed pregnancy each time. But I do know hand on heart I’ve wished time away too. It hits you when your first child hits the age of 10 (and now she’s 13) believe me. In the end, we just need to quit berating ourselves and be kind as you say. #dreamteam
Ah thank you so much. And I can’t imagine Baby Lighty being ten but I bet it’ll be here before I know it!! #DreamTeam
My son is 12 now and I have a step-daughter of the same age so the decision to actually only ever have one child was right for us and like you, I’m totally happy with it. But I do also get quite envious of pregnant people because I’ll never get to experience that again. Even though I’m sticking by my choice now my maternal instincts are still so strong and I’d almost love to have a bump again… just for the day mind 😉
Ha, I forgot #DreamTeam
Ooh yes, wouldn’t that be lovely if we could just experience it for the day?!
This is so true. I think the word jealousy is not always a bad thing. Even as you write or I connect with what you say. It’s a hark back that triggers a happy feeling or even if you’ve not had a baby yet imagining that happy feeling. Seeing something and saying that would make me feel good too. #DreamTeam
Yes a good point here. Thank you for making me feel a bit better about that feeling! #DreamTeam
I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. But like you say feelings are feelings, we don’t get to choose which ones we have. I hope you’re got some understanding people to talk this feelings through with.
And remember that everyone struggles with mixed feelings around pregnancy and early motherhood. We never know the story behind pregnancy announcements (not usually anyway). Certainly no one posts anything on FB other than the good stuff. So it’s easy to feel like other people are have more to celebrate than we do.
Do you journal to help you work through these feelings? I find it helps a lot to get to the bottom of what is bothering me and why.
Thanks for posting and being honest!!!
#dreamteam
This is so relatable, hugs X #dreamteam
Very good post. I be a lot of moms feel the same way. I can relate of a lot of what you said. #dreamteam
Fab post – I don’t think I appreciated pregnancy as much as I should have – it was all over so quickly! The things I now know…..(for next time!) #dreamteam
Well said, Nicola – what a lovely post! Give yourself a break – there’s no such thing as a perfect mum – don’t miss out on today agonizing over yesterday or tomorrow (that’s good for any stage of life!).
Brilliantly put but please don’t be so hard on yourself. I think a lot of new mums are winging it and have the same doubts and fears that you did. I’m looking forward to it but also bricking it that I won’t be good enough. Love reading your posts. #dreamteam
I didn’t enjoy any of my pregnancies particularly, but being pregnant for the first time, wondering, wishing, waiting and in the end a non complicated delivery with a healthy new born is what I wish for everyone to have and experience. I’m done with having babies, so I’m now all jealous of my pregnant friends too. Not badly though. Just occasionally. #dreamteam
I love this post Nic, it’s so honest and I can relate to this too. It’s hard to see other pregnant mums and new mummies with their gorgeous babies and not think back to when it was our own time. And of course miss those feelings that you get when you first meet your new somebody that you have been carrying for so long. A stunning read. Thanks for being a fab #DreamTeam host xx
Fab, honestly written post. Don’t be so hard on yourself, completely natural to feel like that. I’m sure so many others do too. Loved reading your post, brought back a lot of memories of pregnancy and beyond. #dreamteam
I’m sure you’re not alone in feeling as you do. I can’t remember if I felt this way or not, it was a long time ago, my youngest is 12 now! Eek where did that time go? I do, however, remember feeling like a fish out of water with a new baby and not enjoying it as much as I thought I should. Be kind to yourself #DreamTeam x
I get where your coming from here. Im the grand old age of 44 now and could not contemplate having another baby even if it were possible (which it isnt). But I do feel a real pang of regret that I will never get the chance to do it again and get it right this time. #dreamteam
I think I’ll probably feel a bit like that given time. But then at the moment, this decision is right for us, so I need to be kind to myself and stick by that. #DreamTeam
Good of you to be so honest and empathise with a lot of what you say. I had post-natal depression and it stuck around for a long time because I did not have the strength to seek help and support. That inevitably had an adverse impact on my children too although at a tween and teens they are very forgiving. Even the other day, I suddenly felt very overwhelmed for the first time in ages. It is a tough role and an important one and we do our best but society and the people around us could often do a lot more to help
Thank you for your honesty too. If I’m being completely honest I’m probably going through the same thing. I hope Baby Lighty will forgive me too when he’s older.
Such an honest post and one I can relate to. I definitely get bump envy, but then I remember the period of sleep deprivation and how crazy it made me and I suddenly think no way! I don’t think I could do it again.x #dreamteam
Haha yes that’s how I am too! Get bump envy and then remember all the reasons why we’re not doing it again, ha!! #DreamTeam
Oh I totally get this … for a long time that was me. Now I’m jealous for the reason most people think … I want to be pregnant! #dreamteam
Oh bless! I hope it happens soon for you if you’re trying, and if you’re not I hope you’re able to make peace with it. Sending hugs xxx #DreamTeam
I think a lot of what you said is just normal, human behavior. I don’t think we ever mean any harm, but it’s just natural to feel envious and then human nature is always wanting something we don’t have. Thanks for the honesty in this post. #dreamteam
Thank you. Yes it’s only human, isn’t it? #DreamTeam
Oh bless you. What a beautifully honest post. Sending love. #DreamTeam
Thank you! #DreamTeam
I understand this, and think it happens to guys also. It all goes by so fast, seeing little ones can bring back some nostalgic feelings and “what ifs” #dreamteam
Oh yes I’m sure it happens to guys too from those I’ve spoken to about topics such as this. Thanks for stopping by! #DreamTeam
This was a lovely read and resonates a lot with me. After three (2 being twins) I am definitely not up for more, but there are twinges of envy that you can’t ever have those little baby days back again #dreamteam
Yes exactly, it’s mourning the loss of times past, isn’t it? #DreamTeam
I completely relate to this post, I think its completely natural to miss pregancy and the early days, its such a special time #dreamteam
It is indeed. Thank you. #DreamTeam
I get you! I’ve started getting broody again because despite myself, I miss the excitement of pregnancy and having a small baby. Weirdly I miss the hospital visits and am even mooning over the week we stayed in hospital while I recovered from an infection and had blood transfusions – I literally have no idea why as it wasn’t the greatest haha! I think I probably will have another, but I know the reality is that it’s so so hard, so I’m holding off for now!! #dreamteam
Haha!! We are definitely complicated creatures, aren’t we?! Will wait to see whether you do have another or not!! #DreamTeam
This is exactly how I felt with our first! I was completely overwhelmed and if I’m honest, wished each week away. Like you, I felt like a failure being unable to breastfeed, and our first-born was so restless for those first three months. I felt completely out of my depth and at times wondered if I just wasn’t cut out to be a mother. Now we have our second and he is a completely different baby. The whole experience this time around couldn’t have been more different. I do regret wishing away this time with our first, but I know deep down that I did have a hard time of it and it’s not because of anything I did. It sounds like you had a hard time of it too and you should definitely be kinder to yourself. It’s not your fault that things were that way xx #coolmumclub
Ah thank you so much. You’ve described exactly how I felt. I’m glad you got a ‘second chance’ as it were. I’m not sure that we will have another, as I’m mostly too scared to feel this way again. #coolmumclub
Love the post. I do get broody when I see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby. However I must admit I do not wish for sleepless nights and I love my the fact that my kids can do things for themselves. Although i get broody, I’m ok with not having a small baby now.#dreamteam
Yes exactly, I’m not sure I want to start all over again!! #DreamTeam
Every time I feel the resentment myself I know I need another baby! haha This will be our 3rd baby in 4 years! I may have to chill out a bit or I will end up with a football team! My background in child development doesn’t help because I just love being around children. Although pregnant when you already have children is so hard #dreamteam
Haha! You will end up with a football team if you’re not careful! Your children are gorgeous though xxx #DreamTeam
Oh I know exactly how you feel, i sometimes look at other pregnant women with envy, but then I remember the sleepless nights and I’m ok again 😉 x
#DreamTeam
Haha yes, every cloud and all that!! #DreamTeam
Ooh so many emotions that being a parent brings to the fore that I had no idea of previously. It is so easy to constantly beat yourself up and feel like you aren’t doing a good enough job (I do it regularly) but then I remember that my son is happy and healthy and loves me almost as much as I love him. He wouldn’t tell me that I was doing a bad job. I can empathise with the jealousy of wanting to have a chance to do it all again, but I don’t feel that way myself because it was so hard and yes with hindsight I may have done things differently but my son is who he is and has been shaped by that experience and he is so perfect I wouldn’t want to change him at all. #dreamteam
That’s a lovely way of putting it, and probably something that I should remember myself! Thank you for stopping by! #DreamTeam
I can totally get where you’re coming from, and how seeing pregnant women could make you feel that way. And I think it’s a totally natural way to feel. I must admit I feel differently when I see pregnant women; a kind of envious I guess, that they have all the fun stuff to look forward to, but also a kind of relief that they have the scary unknown to combat and I don’t… Is that awful? I didn’t like the feeling of not having a clue what I was doing, and although I’m not much more clued up these day, I feel way more comfortable in the not knowing and willing to roll with it..! Fab post. #dreamteam
Ooh yes that’s actually something I hadn’t thought about…the reverse of how I’m feeling here I guess! A great point, thank you! I need to adopt this approach!! #DreamTeam
Such a sweet and relatable post. We are done here too but there’ll always be a niggle when you see someone else enjoying the magic.
Yes that’s exactly it! Thank you for stopping by!
I completely understand where you’re coming from with this. I don’t want any more children but I do get a little jealous when other people tell me they’re pregnant and I never really knew why. You’ve hit the nail on the head for me – it’s because I often wished away the days until it got ‘easier’ and I kind of wish I could have those days back, knowing what I know now, so that I can cherish it all better! Lovely post as always 🙂 #DreamTeam
Yes how good would it be if we could do it all again with all the knowledge we already have?! We’d be complete pros!! #DreamTeam
TOTALLY get what you mean with this. We are sticking with one too but I know how you feel. #dreamteam
Bravo for allowing yourself to be this honest and vulnerable! That is the path to healing. I am also jealous, as a momma of two. My partner gave birth, I wasn’t able to do so. And while I wouldn’t change anything about our beautiful girls, my beautiful wife or how they cam about, I did very much want to have the life inside… Honesty helps a lot! Hugs to you! #dreamteam xoxo
It’s nothing wrong in it:) I’m thinking about having one more but not now. I can’t wait to feel that joy once again at least now I will know what’s coming:) #DreamTeam